Most single parents have help, their parents, siblings etc. I don't I lost my dad in 96 and I help my mom. Don't get me wrong she does help, she needed help with money so I pay her to watch my kids when I'm working. So I don't dare ask her to watch them when I'm off work. The girls dad hasnt seen them twice in two months. I just feel tired of caring all the responsibility, and no one to discuss it with. NO opinion no back up no cheering me on. Just totally alone. I've reached out several times to my friends to no avail. Not sure what is going on with that. Everyone is so busy with their own struggles. But it would be nice to have a girls night out, just for a few hours to forget about all my struggles.
Last night was so tough, again. Like most nights. I get off at 5:00 usually don't get out of the office until 5:10 and depending on traffic will be home in 15mins. I pick up my oldest and drive another 15mins to get my youngest two. I think about them all day, and wish and pray things could change so I could be home with them. I think about all the things I miss out, giving them a great lunch, playing, learning and teaching, helping my 6yrs old with homework. All day I miss them so much.
It's 5:45 I get there to pick them up; they don't miss me as much as I missed them. My 6yrs old is tired from a day of field day at school and is uncooperative,winy and hungry. My 2 yr old refuses to get in his car seat, saying he's a big boy and doesn't need it. I'd forgotten my mom asked me to take her to the store, she doesn't drive. We all go to the store a very busy 2yr old, a tired 6 yr old, and 14 yr old that wont stop text to look where she is going and my mom and I. Thankfully the store wasn't busy and she just got a few things. But in that short bit of time I think i heard can you buy me this at least 3 times from each child, and leave me alone, stop touching me, go away a thousand times. The little ones were arguing. My son wanted a hug from my winy and tired 6yrs old. We finally get home at 6:30 I cook dinner, sirloin tip, sweet potatoes and broc. NO ONE comes to the table, at least one child took a turn telling what they didn't like on their plate. In my head I heard " Thanks mom, you are the best cook ever. We will eat it all and help you clean up afterward so you can rest. We love you" I don't know if i even tasted it, but it looked pretty on the plate. I managed to fit in baths and a load of laundry and was finally able to sit and watch SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE at 9p.m. CRIED SEVERAL TIMES. so tired So tired. I love my kids, I wish they missed me and looked forward to seeing me as much as I do for them. My highlight of the night was when my 2yr son, was playing climbed under my shirt with his head out the top and feel asleep like that.
As I'm venting in this blog my poor oldest DD is texting me how much she dislikes her Dad, because he wont help us and stopped paying child support. I feel so bad for her and don't know how to help her and ease her pain. I wish i could do so much over again. I didn't set out for our life to be this way and I question God daily what is his plan for our life. I cant keep this up that's for sure. This day is just a bad one, i dont always feel this way. I'm looking forward to the three day weekend and a trip to the park for Park Quest.
Wish I had that village today.
